Have you ever felt great about yourself when you’re in a loving relationship, but not so much when things aren’t going well? This is what we call relationship-contingent self-esteem. It’s a fancy term that describes how our self-worth can depend heavily on the status of our romantic relationships.

What Is Relationship-Contingent Self-Esteem?

Relationship-contingent self-esteem refers to the idea that a person’s self-esteem is closely linked to how well their romantic relationship is doing. When things are great, self-esteem soars; when things go south, self-esteem takes a hit.

Key Features:

• Dependence on Relationships: Your self-worth feels tied to your partner’s love and approval.
• Emotional Rollercoaster: Your mood swings can mirror the highs and lows of your relationship.
• Social Comparison: You might compare your relationship to others, feeling better or worse based on that comparison.

Types of Self-Esteem

Self-esteem can be categorized into two main types:

1. Relationship-Contingent Self-Esteem: As described above, this type fluctuates based on the relationship's status.
2. Secure Self-Esteem: This type is more stable and doesn’t change based on external factors, like relationships.

Comparison of Self-Esteem Types:

Real-Life Examples

Let’s look at some scenarios to illustrate this concept:

• Example 1: Sarah feels on top of the world when she’s in a happy relationship. However, when her boyfriend is upset with her, she feels worthless and questions her value as a person.

• Example 2: Tom has a secure sense of self. Even when his girlfriend is upset or they’re having a rough patch, he knows his value doesn’t solely depend on her approval.

Steps to Foster Secure Self-Esteem in Relationships

If you find that your self-esteem is too tied to your relationship, here are some steps to help you develop a more secure sense of self:

1. Self-Reflection: Take time to think about your self-worth independent of your relationship. What are your strengths and values?
2. Communicate: Talk to your partner about how you feel. Open communication can help both of you understand each other better.
3. Focus on Self-Care: Engage in activities that make you happy and boost your confidence, whether it’s a hobby, exercise, or spending time with friends.
4. Set Personal Goals: Work on personal goals that aren’t related to your relationship. This can help build your self-esteem from within.
5. Seek Support: Sometimes, talking to a therapist can provide you with strategies to build a healthier self-image.

Final Thoughts

Relationship-contingent self-esteem can be challenging, but with awareness and effort, it’s possible to nurture a more secure self-esteem that stands strong even in tough times. Remember, your self-worth is not solely defined by your relationship status. Embrace who you are, and let that shine regardless of your relationship dynamics.